The Broke Asses’ Vitamix Substitute.
LADIES AND GENTS, in a perfect world, I would have the following objects;
- The most intelligent, beautiful, and dedicated pool boy in the universe (just in case there really ends up being life on some other planet). Also, not an object, but was the first thing to come to mind. Woopsies!
- A credit card with no limit, no interest, and no payments.
- The classic black Chanel purse.
- Ted Allen from Chopped or Perez Hilton as my BFF.
- A Vitamix.
So far, I have none of those and some of those might be just slightly unrealistic. Only a pinch, though. I cannot make substitutes for all of these things BUT one of these items I have kind of been able to bargain for, and that is the holy grail of all blenders, the Zeus of all Greeks, the most stubbly hair of all hair stubbles…THE VITAMIX!
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this item I am raving about, basically if there is a God and if he/she/it had a blender, this would be it. I heard a girl once threw in an orange peel and it still came out into a pulverized liquid. How fucking boss is that?!
Unfortunately, even though I can get a discount from my gym, I still don’t have $400/$500 dollars handy to get my hands on one of these. Also, being a broke ass bitch, I really have to prioritize my spending. I’m horrible at that, but I’m working on it. Most days anyway.
SO…onto the beef. Or the liquidized vegetables. I don’t know. Whatever. ANYWAYS, I do happen to have a few kitchen appliances, major ones include a food processor, juicer, and a shitty “frappe maker” which is really just a glorified coffee machine and a blender built into one. Don’t ask why I bought that. Not all of my purchases are sensical.
Since my blender blows, making smoothies really was not my thing. The fruits and veggies wouldn’t properly blend all the way (random bits and pieces of pulp floating around), the ice would never and will likely never get fully broken down, and well…yeah, it just sucks. But it’s decent enough to break down a majority of ice cubes but not strong enough to break down my veggies. My food processor is not meant to break down ice but it is intended to (and does a damn good job of it) slaughter vegetables Texas Chainsaw Massacre style. Appetizing, right? But for real…80′s song “this is how we do it!” Or is that 90′s? Either way, here’s the easy peasy lemon squeezy process:
- Plug in your food processor. It is SO annoying when you don’t think it works but then see that it was simply unplugged all along…a very embarrassing ”oh” face.
- Begin with your vegetables. I have only experimented using leafy greens/vegetables that would break up easily, but feel free to experiment if you wish. For this one I made, I probably used about 1 stalk of rainbow chard, 2 handfulls of kale, cup of spinach, and a few sprigs of parsley . Use whatever you would like (maybe something that is on the verge of going bad–good way to use it up!) and pulverize the shit out of it for a few minutes.
- After this, add in whatever fruits you may desire. I actually ended up using half of an avocado and one dried fig. Also squeezed some lemon juice from half of a lemon. Pulsate this bitch for another few minutes until you achieve a pudding-y texture. You might want to avoid using harder fruits such as an apple. I refuse to take off the skin because that’s where a majority of its nutrients lie, but blending with the skin is still awkward. Mangoes, kiwis, lemons, and some dried fruits work well in my experience.
- After this, add in whatever spices or additional herbs that you may want to. In order to sweeten it up, I used 1 and 1/2 to 2 tablespoons of raw local honey. I also kept a can of coconut milk in my fridge so that I could scoop off 1/8 to 1/4 cup roughly of the fatty part that rises to the top when chilled. I also added in 1 cup of unsweetened almond/coconut milk (delightful blend by Blue Diamond brand – yum!). I also incorporated 1 tablespoon of chia seeds for the sake of protein, but then I remembered avocados already have lots of protein…oh well.
- Let this pulsate for a few minutes until you get to a slightly thick texture, something similar to the picture below (note that it might not be all that thick if you don’t use an avocado):
- Using a spatula, slide in half of your processed mixture. Add in 4-6 ice cubes (feel free to add in more or less depending on your desired consistency). AND YES, I know it looks like slime but it was delicious slime. Deal with it.
- Blend until you get the consistency then you want and sprinkle some coconut flakes on top (optional). Overall was a delicious mid-day pick me up!
- Enjoy, nutrisassies!